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May 15, 2012

The Friend Zone Dilemma: Women Bashing and Reality Checks

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Written by: E. Ortiz
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Friendzone Fiona is a well-known meme that started in 2011 that poked fun at a situation that most of the socially awkward have experienced at one time in their young lives: the dilemma of being in love with someone who only sees you as a friend, or worse, like a brother. Know Your Meme describes the mechanics of this joke as “where the top refers to something a girl would say romantically followed by the bottom text confirming that she is just a friend.”

The joke was quite popular on sites like Memebase and Quickmeme. Months have now passed and although the meme’s popularity has died down, the issue of “the friend zone” has evolved and taken a strange turn. There seems to be more and more pseudo-memes popping up that changed the mood from comedy to guilt, rage and finger pointing at women. Here is an example of one…

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here is another…

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and another…

It seems like what started as a joke has suddenly become an avenue for some nerdy men to express not just their resentment of being friend zoned but passive aggressively casting all the blame on the women they were rejected by. Now, for all the men that have made or shared these memes and agreed with them, you must understand that 1) Ridiculing will not make her like you more and 2) You look like a douche. I don’t say that to bash, I say it as plain truth. People will see the meme you posted on Facebook and laugh at you more.

Now some of you feel hurt by what I said at the last paragraph. Fear not!  As someone who has seen many people trapped in the friend zone and personally experienced some crazy scenarios, let me share with you some nuggets of wisdom.

1) You Are No Knight In Shining Armor!

Admit to yourself  that you are a flawed, normal human being. If you really think of yourself as this “shining knight,” you might as well admit that the Twilight books are the perfect guides for romance. If you try to live up to this ideal, that you are above other men, or in this case, the a***oles your “princess” is dating, it will only lead to depression and low self-esteem. You are not Sir Galahad and women are more than two-dimensional fictional princesses. You are a unique, awesome, imperfect human being. There will be times when you are a gentleman and other times when you act like a total a***ole. And if you are politician you can be both at the same time.

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2) Don’t Be A Jerk Clone.

Some individuals think that the secret of not being in the friend zone is to act like a jerk. They get this conclusion from seeing “good girls dating bad boys.” It’s not being a jerk but security that is the pheromone of attraction. Nothing turns people off more than an insecure individual. Learn to love yourself and be secure, and if it is too difficult of a challenge then there is no shame in seeing a counselor or therapist. I would recommend working out and similar projects to boost your self-esteem (and it does help) but I’ve seen butt-ugly guys get hot girls just by being secure and having high self-esteem.

3) First Impression Are Everything!

Women know within in the first ten minutes of meeting you which zone you’ll be in. If you meet someone and think they are attractive, talk to them. If the flow of communication is excellent, flirt a little bit or give a compliment and invite her to your favorite coffee shop. By the way, never take her to a movie on a first date where it will turn into two hours of sitting awkwardly. Take her to a place where  you’ll be able hang out and talk.

4) Trapped In The Friend Zone.

For those that are trapped in the friend zone, I can only offer two solutions. One, stop being friends and prove to yourself and to her that you were never really friends in the first place.  Or continue to be her friend. If you have the self-esteem and the confidence that comes with it, you will eventually find someone, and nine times out of ten, someone better.

5) Conclusion or TL:DR

I can understand the hardship and heartbreak a nerd can go through when someone you care for and cares for you back doesn’t see you as boyfriend material. But blaming the woman will not help you. You may not be attractive in her eyes and you have to accept that. It’s not her fault if you aren’t her type. But there are many others out there that will think the opposite.

This is a great age for geeks and nerds. One of our writers wrote an article about how online dating makes finding the right person so much easier for the socially awkward. There are even geek-themed speed dating events happening at large conventions. Just be sure before you find someone who is happy to be with you, that you are happy with yourself first.

What do you think? Is there any advice you would be willing to add to this issue?



About the Author

E. Ortiz
E. Ortiz has been working as a freelance journalist, videographer and editor for almost ten years for many different organizations: from MoCCA to FUSE Music Television. Nowadays Mr. Ortiz is the brains behind Nerd Caliber and sometimes you can see him leading his team at conventions.




 
 

 
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11 Comments


  1. [...] of a challenge than there is no shame in seeing a counselor or … … Go here to read the rest: The Friend Zone Dilemma: Women Bashing and Reality Checks … ← Dutchy Health Tips: Do You Have Mood Swings? Behavioral Health Therapy | Therapeutic [...]


  2. Dave Palmacci

    You know this is also becoming a popular response to the cliche question of; "where are all the nice guys at?" answer: right where you left them, in the FRIEND ZONE!

    My experience of struggles, growth, and escape of the Friend Zone (I am sure this can also happen to girls too, but I can only give the perspective of the male seeing as I am one). The Friend Zone only exists if you create it. It is an unwanted creation, but even things we claim we do not want are a result of our actions and behaviors (like how the ones who say they hate drama are always surrounded by it and that's all they ever talk about). Some tips:

    1) Cure your Monoitis. What's that? It's when you are fixated on one person. When you're in a relationship then you can be a little fixated, but when you're only friends? Cut it out. The cure: become friends with more girls and have it be just friends. Learn from them, women are the greatest source of wisdom. But always keep this next point in mind:

    2) Women can see right through us. Women can see right through our male bullshit. You want to know why you see a bunch of women dancing around a gay guy at a club? Because they gay guy is out there having fun, he's not after her phone number or to get in her pants. Backing up a bit, if you have a crush on a girl chances are she knows (even though they will always act surprised). So instead of people obsessed with kissing her may I suggest you focus on simply having fun instead, learn from the gay guy (straight men can learn a lot from them so include gay guys as friends too quit the homophobia).

    3) It's not the asshole, it's what the asshole is doing. Guys have it all wrong, we think of things too black and white; if she doesn't like me as a nice guy who buys her drinks and holds the door open for her then I obviously have to be a complete asshole. Wrong Captain Philosofail, pay attention to what the “asshole” is doing; he doesn’t give a poop. He doesn’t care what other people think of him, he can live his life with or without her. That doesn’t mean you should be an asshole, far from it, it means you have to use what does work for the asshole and implement it into the nice guy.

    4) The nice guy wins but not the doormat. What you’re being is a doormat, no self-respect, you’ll let her use you as a bridge, a table, a servant, anything. Doormats aren’t attractive, so don’t confuse attention with attraction. You have to first above all be nice and respect yourself first. How do you expect to care for someone if you don’t care for your own self? Self-respect isn’t the same as selfishness. Most guys want to ride this high horse of morality, and think if they are Jedi enough she’ll fall for it. Get out of your deranged head of fantasy, this is reality man and if you keep doing what you’ve always done you will keep getting what you always got; nothing.

    5) Confidence, value, and let it go. Confidence isn’t being cocky, confidence is believing in you and who you are and not giving a damn what other people think about that. It's bringing value and positive energy to everyone around you. It’s about the fact there aren’t any magic words or a pickup line that works every time, but there is one that works almost all the time and that is; “Hi my name is.. “ It all comes down to that you shouldn’t live your life for someone else. That someone else should be an important and meaningful piece to your life, but if you make that person be your only source of happiness then you are doomed. Let it go, be who you are and live as if she isn’t a factor. It’s only when you let go of everything do you really have everything because everything else becomes just a bonus to your already free spirited self.

    6) The Great Escape. I’ve escaped from the Friend Zone before, it is possible, and thanks to a lot of the points I listed above and years of heartaches though learning from all of them each time, but a few more tidbits. First, add value to yourself and your life. Don’t act one way to one person at an event or club, act that way to everyone there; the owner, the guests, the janitor, even the douchebag. Bring that same value to everyone around you not just women you are attracted to (again, women will see right through that type of behavior if you’re only talking to the hot girls and being a jerk to everyone else). Second, tension is everything. You have to be able to talk about sexual stuff or else forget it. Ask her for advice on someone you’re dating and if you’re not dating someone, make her up! Tension is one of the ways to transition into attraction, and like other terms it is different from awkward. Learn to speak to her with your eyes and remember foreplay doesn’t begin in the bedroom it begins when you first pick her up/meet up so every interaction counts. Tension are those scenes where the girl trips and falls into the guy’s arms and they have that eye stare moment and embrace, awkward is when that same thing happens and you’re both looking around the room and trying not to touch each other like it’s some sort of science experiment. Third, hold her family for ransom, I'M KIDDING! I KID! No seriously, third is: smile and always remember you learn very little from victory but you learn absolutely everything from defeat.


  3. So basically if you're in the friend zone and it hurts you, don't say anything. Let it marinate just how low and pathetic you are, allowing all of that anger and rejection pent up inside of you. That, or you could be a tool and let them know you like them from the start, which will usually lead to you being left alone even moreso than had you been placed in the "friend zone." Enjoy: Solitude.


  4. Sophung

    Call me a coward, butthurt or escapist if you want, but what I say is true:
    The best prevention for Friendzone (and many, many other problems) is to never ever get emotionally attached to someone.

    Even if one manages to not to get Friendzoned and scores the desired person, love never lasts, and sooner or later someone will get hurt.

    Cultivate your own garden instead of expecting someone to bring you flowers.



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