8 Convention Dos and Don’ts About Being a Transgender Ally

1) Don’t “out,” a person as trans
I can freely admit to committing this cardinal sin myself and I’m a trans person. It’s not cool. Whether you yourself are trans or non-binary and have found someone you connect with and can discuss this topic with, or whether you are a cisgender ally and are happy to have a new friend who happens to be trans, it’s not your call to identify them by their trans status. Some of us are incredibly proud to state publicly that we are trans but that is that individual’s call to make.

Some trans folk do not openly identify as trans and whether these are for work reasons or fear of aggressive negative attention, or simply because of complicated personal reasons or even simply not wanting people to know for privacy all privacy should be respected.

2) Do ask about preferred gender pronouns (PGP)
Preferred pronouns are the pronouns (he/she/they/xe/etc.) uses. Most trans people would prefer that you ask them “What pronouns do you prefer,” or “What pronouns do you use,” then having you guess and be incorrect. When you find out, respect the pronouns they’ve said to you. It would also be a good common practice to ask this question when meeting anyone since some cosplayers do prefer certain pronouns in certain costumes, and some trans and gender non-binary individuals don’t use he or she even if their presentation might align one way or another with your perception. On that note…

3) Do respect a person’s name and pronouns
If someone tells you they would like you to call them a name and use a gender pronoun there should essentially be no reason to fight them. None. Even if you’ve known them for X amount of years by a different name and a binary pronoun (he or she) and are asking you to refer to them by a new name and a non-binary pronoun (they/xe/etc.), basic respect should be given.

4) Do apologize if you mess up (but do not dwell)
It happens to the best of us. I’ll admit to still working on reprogramming my brain to use non-binary pronouns and especially if you’ve known someone by a name or pronoun for a long time you’ve got to have time to adjust. If you mess up and use the wrong name or pronoun apologize, use the correct name/pronoun, then move on especially if you’re in a large group of people. If you feel the need later you can apologize again in private but by making a spectacle of how you are very sorry, and how you didn’t mean to, and how you respect and will honor a person’s transition/their PGP, and say all sorts of nice things about them to make up for your quick and unfortunate flub up it draws attention to the trans person you’re trying to be an ally toward and makes everyone feel awkward. It sucks, no one likes to mess up, no one likes to be told they’re wrong but the more one focuses on it the more everyone feels awkward.

5) Don’t ask invasive questions
Surgeries, hormones, the contents of a person’s undergarments, relationships with families, and many other topics are incredibly personal. We across various fandoms might feel as though we’ve all developed a certain closeness and kinship because we all love Doctor Who, steampunk, or My Little Pony, and we have! Even if you have no issue talking to strangers about the surgeries you’ve had, your genitalia, or how you have a strained relationship with your family, many people find these question invasive. If a trans person wants to talk to you about the state of their genitalia that is THEIR decision to begin talking to you about it and they are under no social responsibility to do so nor should they be asked. If they want to talk about these things they will.

6) Do watch out for your own backhanded compliments
I once had someone say to me: “You’re very beautiful you know that?” Wasn’t really looking for a compliment but, hey, sure, I’ll take it. I thanked the gentleman and then he followed it up with: “I bet you don’t hear that very often do you?” SERIOUSLY?! I am beautiful, why wouldn’t I hear this often, especially if you agree with me that I am beautiful. Other examples of backhanded compliments include asserting trans people are brave, giving makeup/hair advice when it isn’t asked for, and talking about your sexual attraction for a trans person “despite,” or “regardless,” of the fact that they’re trans.

7) Do be a bathroom buddy and support gender neutral bathrooms
The first piece I ever wrote for Nerd Caliber was a piece on gendered bathrooms in convention culture. Many conventions are working to create gender neutral bathrooms. A few years ago Anime Boston set up the top floor bathrooms as gender neutral, Steampunk World’s Faire implemented them a few years ago, and Wiscon has set aside multiple bathrooms as gender neutral, longer than the rest. They are a safe space for people of all gender presentations, and a fantastic place for those unsure about their gender to have a place to do what they need to in peace. if you want to let trans/non-binary folks know you’ll be available for them so they won’t have to use a restroom alone you can even purchase #IllGoWithYou buttons. If you have one visible, or if you’re a trans/non-binary person and you see someone with one, this means they are volunteering to be supportive and accompany you to the restroom.

8) Do support our kickstarter
We have an amazing kickstarter looking to create a fun and informative puberty-style video about Hormone Replacement Therapy. It’s going to be meant for trans people, their family, and allies who want to know more about the process and the physical, mental, and emotional changes one might go through if they begin the process of HRT. If you want to support trans people creating media support the Second Puberty Kickstarter.

(Feature photo of the author courtesy Ger Tysk)