Confessions of a Secret Ninja’s Boyfriend

[Sometime after Takopop’s article about Confession Of A Secret Cosplay Boyfriend, I received this article. The content of this editorial was submitted privately to Nerd Caliber and the author has asked to remain anonymous. This editorial is an opinion piece – not fact – and represents the personal opinions of the author. It is not representative of the thoughts or opinions of nerdcaliber.com or the Nerd Caliber Staff.]

I have a confession to make: I am dating a ninja. You’ll never know exactly which one, because I am a secret boyfriend. And because I am her boyfriend, I can’t tell you my name or hers. Unless you want to die.

Oh man… why is this happenning to me?

I was set up on a blind date by a co-worker and the minute I saw her I fell in love. We hit it off on the spot. I can tell she was into me, asking me about my family history, hobbies, my allergies, whether I was ever in the Yakuza or secret government meetings. Finally all those stupid love songs I hated started to make sense to me.

But I should have known something was off after our limo driver took our picture.

She eventually revealed to me that she was a ninja, and if I wanted to be with her, I had to keep it a secret.

There are a lot of reasons why this might be. Just because a ninja likes to assassinate doesn’t mean that she wants absolute strangers to know her relationship status. It might be because ninjas think that being perceived as single – and therefore available – will help them gain notoriety and ‘fame.’

Now before you chop my head, arms, and legs off and exclaim that ninjas don’t in fact view being single as a way to get ahead, before dating a ninja I knew nothing about that world. There are many different types of killers and they all have different opinions and goals. There are ninjas who are openly dating someone or married. There are ninjas who are single. But there are also ninjas who are in secret relationships.

I am a secret boyfriend and I’m okay with that. One, I don’t like watching people die in front of me. Two, in our real lives I am not secret. Her family and friends know about me, and mine know about her. But, when it comes to her visible presence… she might as well not exist.

After following my girlfriend from city-to-city and getting to know a lot of her ninja friends, I noticed that even the most ruthless of killers (I don’t want to ‘out’ anyone so I will omit names) had secret boyfriends and husbands. Often, I was surprised to find out which ones!

Another thing that makes it bearable is that I trust my girlfriend. She doesn’t flirt with the guys she kills. Keeping a relationship on the DL doesn’t give her license to flirt or lead on other guys…which is something that I have unfortunately witnessed some assassins doing.

But…is it really necessary for ninjas to keep their boyfriends secret? I’m not sure. Hugh Jackman is married and possibly Wolverine, but that doesn’t stop girls from having a crush on him. So, if a ninja says she has a boyfriend, would it REALLY make a bit of difference? Why the secret? Why make a big deal about it at all?

Do we, as guys, have a habit of viewing ninjas in a way similar to strippers? [And I’m really not comparing ninjas to strippers here!! Ninjas aren’t strippers!] Let me explain the metaphor: If you are a man and you get a lap dance from a stripper, the possibility that she might actually start liking you can attract you to spend more money and pay more attention to her. If that stripper revealed she has a boyfriend and is planning to kill you for ratting out on the mob, would she still be attractive?

Let’s be honest folks, celebrities don’t date fans and killers don’t date their victims.  It is just an illusion. I support my girlfriend’s job because it is something she is passionate about and it is something I enjoy seeing her excel in (Yes, I have issues). If I am a member of the secret boyfriend club whose girlfriends are lethal assassins, well … so be it. I can either be in a government facility holding her purse, or I can be at a hospital watching her dressed up as a nurse poisoning her victim with a syringe while holding her purse. The choice is fairly obvious. Besides, I’m the one who gets to take her home.

I think I’m drugged.

(Special thanks for Mr. Wahl for the pictures)