Jake Young is Afraid of The Dark: Episode 3
In 1992, the Nickelodeon network unveiled a show. This show was so different, so unheard of, so revolutionary that it left a permanent impression on an entire generation of Canadian and American youngsters. That show was “Are You Afraid of The Dark” and its goal was to make 10-year olds poop their pants. Now, many years later Jake Young is going to confront his fears, one episode at a time.
Episode 3:
No, this is not the tale of my high school emo band.
This is another episode I remember specifically. At this point, we were three weeks into SNiCK, and there was palpable excitement on the playground. My friends and I were sharing our favorite jokes (by which I mean fart noises) from Ren and Stimpy, repeating the funniest lines (by which I mean grunge-pop duets) from Roundhouse and sharing the cleverest gags (by which I mean discovering what boners are) from Clarissa Explains It All. However, when it came to that week’s Are You Afraid of the Dark, we were oddly silent. Something about this episode is a little… off, and in this review we’ll try to figure out what makes this tale so disconcerting.
He was from Calgary, she was from Edmonton; their love was forbidden.
We start at the usual dark forest set before The Midnight Society meeting as member David greets fellow member Kristen to give her a birthday present without drawing the other spookmasters’ attention. Let me just say that I have no idea how old the actors are/supposed to be in this scene, but it is BURNING with pale, sheepish, and Canadian sexual tension. The two flirt with the kind of passion two sorta-alright white actors can muster, and she promises to open it after the meeting, at which David is to tell this week’s story. This is a great idea for any of you guys looking to impress the ladies, give them a gift and then try to scare her pants off LITERALLY, omg lol.
Our protagonist Amanda, the world’s least believable loser.
The story begins as we meet Amanda, whose parents leave her in the care of her aunt for the Summer. Unfortunately for Amanda, her cousin Beth is the most heinous bitch in the history of all fiction. This was a common thread in Are You Afraid of the Dark and other childrens’ shows, our protagonist is always a good-looking, studious, sensitive, and kind-hearted, but is constantly harassed and taunted by some sort of ugly, cruel, Goblin-Hitler that’s ludicrously the most popular person in town. As viewers, we’re supposed to relate to the Amandas, believing ourselves to be perfect paragons of awesomeness that get cruelly put down by those Beths in power, but the truth is that we aren’t that good looking, we aren’t that kind, and the reason we weren’t popular is because we were caught doing weird stuff in the locker room in 5th grade. Also, as an aside, let me just suggest that the Beth is the latest in a long line of redhead bully characters on Nickelodeon. Do I smell an AGENDA?
According to Nickelodeon, Redhead = Huge Asshole
Beth, has given our dear sweet lovely Amanda several ultimatums if she is to join her clique of popular girls who throw pool parties and wear makeup. Amanda must do all of Beth’s chores, spend a night in the haunted house next door (as part of an “initiation”), and never talk to Nanny, who is an old woman with a strange locket that lives in the house and looks sad all the time. Amanda is eager to fit in and obliges to all of her cousin’s demands. Before she goes into the haunted house, Beth tells a story about a deaf-mute girl that got locked inside a room in the haunted house and starved to death because she couldn’t cry for help, only to be found by her mother several weeks later. To answer your question, “Yes, that is some heavy-ass grim weird nonsense for a kids’ show.” Sooner than you can say, “Ringu!” Amanda does indeed get confronted by a dead girl who appears in a mirror.
Oh my god, a small child asking for help? AAAAAHHHH!
Obviously, nobody believes Amanda and worst of all, she and her evil cousin have to go back into the house together to clean it up. Then in the span of about six minutes, a bunch of weird crazy crap happens. Once inside, Beth is suddenly drawn into the mirror and gets trapped inside it! (Wait, what?) Then Amanda sees the ghost has a locket and deduces that the ghost was actually Nanny’s dead daughter all along! (Wait, what? Hold on a sec-) But oh no! Nanny is about to take a taxi and leave the house forever! (Wait, what? Right then? Why-) Luckily, Amanda convinces Nanny to go back to the room where she found her emaciated, soiled handicapped child all those years ago, and she sees her ghost daughter (Wait, what? Holy poop, like that is an intense emotional-) The ghost then, through a series of points and grunts, communicates that all she wants is her mother to enter the mirror-universe together and they can be reunited and young forever! (Wait, seriously, this is an incredibly complicated and messed up scenario for-) So Nanny and the Ghost happily enter the mirror together, to do whatever it is an old woman and a ghost are supposed to do together forever in a mirror.
This is the most unsettling thing I’ve ever seen that didn’t involve goddamn clowns.
Cousin Beth is freed, she vows to be a nicer person, and Amanda takes her rightful place as Alpha. The story ends and back in the real world, our young romantics open David’s gift to reveal a locket! Which was used in the story as the symbol of undying love! Don’t think too hard about how that in the story it clearly represented the love between a Parent and Child! Definitely don’t openly ponder how weird and confusing the context is to give a girl you have a crush on a gift like that! It’s all these weird little moments that made this episode so unnerving.
