The General on Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
Not even sharks come out on top when it comes to the Zombie Apocalypse. However, one organism on this planet has eaten a zombie and lived not only to tell the tale, but also sat down to share his advice on battling zombies.
The General, as he is known, is far older than even he cares to admit. In his lifetime he has both committed atrocities beyond imagination (like eating babies) and actions more valiant than the purest of hearts. Time itself has a different effect on The General than on most beings, it is this that enables him to be the only being creature capable of wielding the Sword of Time. Recently returned from an unknown part of the universe where he led the Armies of the Red Fork Empire in the CLASSIFIED War against The Dull where he burned a galaxy to save imagination and ripped a black hole apart to retrieve the laughter of a child, or so the rumors claim. Returning to Earth and his role in The Wandering Legion it is The General’s intent to bring the full force of creativity to the beings of this world.
But back to that day that has been recorded for posterity by The Wandering Legion & Dogtoon Media:
So, Baron von Lahey thought he was hiring actors to pretend to be zombies, but it turned out that Professor Phobias used real ones, so when he drugged the Wandering Legion and locked them in the Steampunk House with zombies, only The General was able to effectively deal with them. While Lucretia, the Professor, and Abigail were upstairs, The General singled-eyedly took on a small swarm of zombies; and when the others next saw The General, he was feasting on a zombie. Abigail spoke for us all: “That’s hideous!”
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Tell me General, why did you eat a zombie?
Eat or be eaten. I do not run and it was going to eat me, or at least that seemed to be the intention.
What did the zombie taste like?
Human meat, but not quite as good as baby of course. Did not taste rotten, oddly enough…ashy undertones and very chewy.
What is your preferred method of dispatching zombies?
Well, the easiest way to destroy something does not work on them. It would seem that one cannot destroy that which does not exist, so no sword. That being the case, I will have to take them down with my hands.
Any advice for other people (who are not as epic as you) on how to handle zombies?
I never considered that other people are not as epic as me, no, wait, I did know. If you are not me, then more than likely you are doomed. BUT! If you have a sword or a knife, and know the pointy end from the other, then you might be okay. Might be.
What should they do with the swords?
You have to take the head off. Do not use firearms. They are quite loud. Attracts more zombies, I think.
How should people handle a swarm?
Hands on at all times! Do not get too concerned with numbers. That’s the key, one at a time. or if you are me, five.
What do you think about the gunbrella?
Ah yes, the gunbrella is very practical against zombies! Negates the splatter effect, which can be quite dangerous. Gunbrella has a shield. Ingenious.
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So remember, stay calm and use the point the end correctly and you might survive the zombie apocalypse! For more about steampunk & zombies you can check out Boneshaker (Sci Fi Essential Books)
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If you want to find out more about G. Smith and Thee Gartisan, click here!
All media used with permission.
Illustration: “Steampunk Zombies” by Don Higgins
Photo: “The General” by Jenn Owen
Video: “Grymm Tales #2” produced by Dogtoon Media
