Are Gamers “Escapists, Cowards and Thieves?”

Sometimes you never realize what you’ve been through, what was happening, and why – until you look back many years later.

When I got to Chapter 2 of the book Wrecked by Jeff Goins this notion unraveled itself a bit as the chapter focused on how our generation is lost, has no rites of passage, no epic struggle, and how finding oneself is impossible. After stressing these issues and concerns the author then stated something that really burned when I read it:

“We play. Did you know the average age of a gamer is thirty-two? Now, I don’t see anything inherently wrong with diversion and games, but that is certainly telling about our culture, isn’t it? Instead of raising families or creating culture, we are sitting in our living rooms with our eyes glued to the television, simulating life. We are escapists, cowards, and thieves.” [emphasis added]

Wow, at first I was upset. Who did this author think he was? The studies vary slightly in age although it is safe to say the average gamer age is 30 – 35, oh, and also depressed:  But cowards? Thieves?! Perhaps I took it too personal, I mean we all play games and they’re fun but we don’t play them to simulate life. Or do we? Is there something we don’t quite get after we spend more hours per week playing video games than we spend on anything else? I don’t know. All I can share are the personal experiences I’ve had with the “dark side” of gaming.

Nine years ago at the age of twenty-two, I would play an online MMORPG for a good 12 hours a day on average. At the time, I had no idea about what was really going on inside me or even around me, all I cared about was playing more and being with my friends in the online world. On the outside I had none of those things; not many friends at the time, some stupid part-time job at an office that did yearbooks with a boss I hated, no girlfriend, just a depressed 22 year-old game hermit:  that was living my life in a virtual world. It was my dad who gave me a good long talk that slapped me back into reality. He gave me the red pill from the Matrix in verbal form. From then on, I had ups and downs but overall I began to progress, produce, and actually make something of my life while understanding it is OK to play a few hours of a game to unwind. I still play games for a few minutes on my iPad, phone, or PC to relax but I don’t have the same thirst for games as I once did.

But there was something else far more important to my own development happening during this time when I was “weaning” off my simulated life. In my late teens to mid-twenties I was the typical angry boy because I had girl problems (which MySpace learned every whiny detail about). I went through a dramatic change over the years learning and growing from every heartbreak & defeat, an almost self-rite of passage to grow out of that ignorant, angry, and clueless boy I was. It is this piece of experience that was like the part of Voltron that formed the head: it put a face on things, completed it all. It’s the struggle of the wandering lost young male of our present time and it has to do with their rejection, immaturity, and anger towards women in the gaming world. Our good friend and contributor here at Nerd Caliber, Steven Savage, shared an excellent article a few days ago. Right away, Ernest W. Adams cuts to the point:

“When we were little boys we all went through a stage when we said we hated girls. Girls had “cooties.” They were silly and frilly and everything that a boy isn’t supposed to be. We got into this stage at about age seven, and we left it again at maybe 10 or 11.

Then puberty hit and, if we were straight, we actively wanted the company of girls. We wanted to “go with” them, date them, and eventually we wanted to fall in love and live with one, maybe for the rest of our lives. That’s the way heterosexual boys are supposed to mature, unless they become monks.

My point is, you’re supposed to leave that phase of hating girls behind. Straight or gay, you’re supposed to grow the hell up.”

Some boys don’t become men at all, so what do they do? They play. Boys who play Nintendo at age nine to boys who play Playstation 3 at thirty. I got back in touch with a friend of mine who’s in her late twenties and is a single mom. She came right out with it and said, “Dave, there are many reasons why divorce happens, but you know what one of the big reasons we had to split was? He chose his Xbox over me. He’d come home and just play, all night.” Her ex didn’t want to deal with reality – he favored his simulated reality.

How do we know when gaming is too much? Is it different from too much TV? Maybe it’s like anything else when it becomes too much; it starts making decisions for you. I see a difference between actual game addicts and those who play it as a sincere enjoyment with their spouses, friends, and family – though how do I really know? I can’t put these topics and questions aside. Is our society caring less about life and more about simulated life? If the majority of male video game players come off as these girl haters what does that mean for the growing number of female gamers? Another close friend I knew who divorced his wife said she was the one who pulled him into gaming. She played hours and hours of this single MMORPG and that is all she ever wanted to do, until she cheated on my friend with another gamer she met in-game. The gamer promised how much better she would be with him, until she learned everything was a fantasy – like the game they played. Her life was not better with him. It was worse, as all they both knew how to do was to engage in a false life and thus  in a false relationship.

I am not sure if video game playing like the rest of any behavior can be divided into pure black and white, addict or non-addict. I think like so many other things in life it is a large scale of grays. I still can catch myself on my ipad for 2 hours when that is 2 hours of work I felt I should have done. I invite you all to share your own thoughts, experiences, and opinions by all means this is meant to be open as I am left still pondering about it all. Though I will leave off with some bit of optimism. I’ve learned a valuable principle to apply to all aspects of life and that is to learn and grow from what you feel were negative experiences. I may think that I wasted many months of my life in front of a computer screen but I also realized there were assets I learned from those months. I learned incredible people management skills from running a guild as one example. Sounds crazy and pathetic right? Well some people are putting it on their resume; and IGN has top 5 reasons why video games are actually good for you. I know my motor skills have been enhanced from gaming.

Maybe it isn’t about choosing between gaming and not gaming, maybe it’s about sharing the beneficial elements of both gaming and real life. Maybe what we need is a game that helps boys become men (though Metal Gear Solid comes pretty damn close), relationships, or to find the really mundane boring crap that life can sometimes be and apply the fun and interesting stuff games have to it. Cosplay is an interesting example of how people integrate fantasy and reality, as it has created many expanding global relationships. So as these cosplayers have begun to lead a whole new culture in their own regard, maybe it is this same leadership we need from gamers to integrate the game into the reality they try so often to escape.