Great Artists and Idiot Writers

Did you guys know it was Walt Disney’s college roommate who said to him one night, “I have this amazing idea! It’s about a mouse, a duck, a dog, and another dog (but this one can talk)! You can draw, color, and animate them and I will give you more ideas as they come to me when I’m sitting on the couch. Oh, we will split the profits 50/50.” Never heard of that story? That’s because it’s entirely not true and stupid, yet this same principle is applied to almost every relationship between an artist and daydreaming Chuck-e-Cheese managers.

Every comic artist I know has at some point been faced with, “OOH! I CAN WRITE IT WHILE YOU DO ALL THE WORK!” I made this incredible pie-chart with my design skills to give you some visual data on the average amount of hours involved in producing this comic (from which the “writer” expects a financial profit of 50 percent).

While this is a kick in the balls to artists, it is two big kicks in the balls to actual writers. A real writer takes days, weeks, and months to develop good characters and stories, not an evening of Cheetos and Fanta. Why is writing the skill of choice to be hijacked by people who have devoted more time in creating a permanent ass groove on the couch than actual work skill progression? Did the unlocking of the English alphabet to these people in first grade suddenly plant a seed of ingenious ambition 20 years later?! By the sauce in Odin’s beard! Why a box of crayons could grant anyone the ability to be just like Picasso! Except it doesn’t, and neither does knowing how to type words equate to good writing.

The immediate response I give to the wannabe writer is, “Where do you get this notion that artists have no clue about storytelling? Do you think it makes my job easier that you wrote a plot not even worthy of a Bazooka Joe comic?” Do other artists really trust the entire plot and content to individuals who revolve their entire lives around the principle of, “I’ll do it later?” Do musicians not write their own songs? Do directors just stand there and yell, “Action!” and wear funny hats? Do superheroes just wear capes for… wait, why do they wear capes? My apologies to actual writers who work hard to create and my condolences to artists who are approached by friends who are strong enough to latch onto your talents but too lazy to pull themselves off the couch. Should I also bother with the new wave of “I have this great idea for an app” people?! I’ll let you guys rant about that one.