“Hey Syfy Channel! You Sunk My Movie!”
An op-ed piece by Ashley Lauren Rogers
American Warships premiered on The Syfy Channel recently and it got me to thinking. Smart move, Syfy Channel! The only thing Battleship has going for it is special effect, Rihanna, and Liam Neesan. Also, DOUCHEBAG move, Syfy channel because the movie only really had special effects, Rihanna and Liam Neesan going for it! Oh and, I guess, brand recognition. But what’s up with that? If I hear about a movie adaptation of a board game, like Battleship, I’m not looking for sweeping special effects and pop/hip hop performers looking for their big break! Especially not in a player v. player game like Battleship. Aliens… Battleship really? Aliens?
Conversely I don’t want to watch a two actors stare at screens and guess letter/number combos in order to sink actual ships. At least they tried to “Spice things up,” with a love story within a man v. aliens of the deep vaguely science fiction story. And then a studio threw tons of money at it because, they figure, everyone knows the board game battleship so why wouldn’t they want to see this? Let’s get mega-star and part-time Lion Liam Neesan just in case. The demographic’s a bit small though, is there a pop singer looking to get into acting? Rihanna you say? Whole new audience!
So Syfy comes along and basically says, Shenanigans! I’m almost certain we can make money off this ridiculousness! So they get Carl “Apollo Creed,” Mayweather and Mario Van Peebles and write the same basic movie!
In the name of Battleship, let’s play a game. Here are the synopses of both movies, guess which one is which:
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When a fleet of mysterious ships wage war against the Earth, only the crew of the USS Iowa, the last American battleship, can prevent global Armageddon.
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… an international naval fleet against an army of invading aliens. When the two forces find themselves evenly matched, each must rely on strategy and cunning in order to emerge the victor.
But… NIETHER of these sounds remotely like Battleship… OK relying on strategy to defeat the aliens? Yeah that’s a little more Battleship-ish… If I were to create a movie that will be coming out soon, based on the Battleship principles here’s what the plot synopsis would be:
Ryan Gosling and Selena Gomez lead a team of top secret agents for the US government must infiltrate a dinner party in the Netherlands in honor of the President in order to find out who is trying to kill him. But who could it be? Can you… Guess Who?
It’s based on a boardgame – bet you’ll never guess which one.
