Jake Young is AFRAID OF THE DARK!

In 1992, the Nickelodeon network unveiled a show. This show was so different, so unheard of, so revolutionary that it left a permanent impression on an entire generation of Canadian and American youngsters. That show was “Are You Afraid of The Dark” and its goal was to make 10-year olds poop their pants. Now, many years later Jake Young is going to confront his fears starting with the first episode.

Episode 1:

Oh No! A G-G-G-Gh-PHANTOM!

Here we go, episode one… no backing out now. This is the first episode that aired on the “SNICK” late-night block of programming. Every week, my 11-year old self would watch this show, get my mind crammed with PG-horrors, then try and fall asleep while constantly checking if the clown doll in my closet was about to spring to life and eat the eyeballs out of my skull. This is the reason I’m doing these reviews, to finally understand how this Canadian-produced live-action children’s program actually managed to scar my psyche.

If only he could have founded the “Actually Get Invited to Parties” society.

Since this is the first episode, they open by introducing us to the “Midnight Society” a group of miscreants from all walks of life, kinda like the Breakfast Club. The members feature such archetypes as “Weird Canadian White Girl With Terrible 90’s Hair” to “Weird Canadian White Guy With Terrible 90’s Hair” and of course the “Street Wise Black Girl Who Also Looks Ridiculous Because This Is The 90’s.” They gather once a week around a campfire in the woods and tell scary stories, which is actually a pretty cool idea. My friends and I do a similar thing, but instead of the woods, it’s a dive bar, and instead of scary stories, it’s Polack jokes.

Our Heroes: Kid Underacting and Ripsleeves McTuffguy

The story is about of a pair of brothers who are lost in the woods. Like most TV brothers they don’t get along, so much so that the very idea that they decided to go hiking together is borderline ludicrous. The older brother is the living embodiment of the “Nickelodeon Tuffguy,” he’s got a backwards hat, a jean-shirt, and uses the term “Lamewad” with so much venom I think it might be a racial slur. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot of this kind of character in the future because there’s no greater evil than threating to “pound the snot” out of someone. The other brother doesn’t matter because he is THE WORST ACTOR I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. I’ve heard book reports delivered with more emotion than this kid’s lines. Seriously, I can’t believe this, I’m already infuriated with myself for having been afraid of the show and nothing scary has even remotely happened yet.

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

So after a few minutes of not spooky fraternal bickering, the brothers are led to the home/shack of Dr. Vink, who is a creepy mad scientist who refuses to help the boys unless they answer a series of riddles. It’s kind of like those “Professor Layton” games, but more molester-y. The filthy, filthy insane Doctor gives the boys one last riddle: “What is it, that has no weight, can be seen by the naked eye, and if you put it in a barrel it will make it lighter?” I actually remember watching this back in the day being unable to figure it out, continually thinking the answer was helium, but then being reminded you can’t see it. Our protagonists also can’t figure it out, so Dr. Vink suggests that they leave a sample for his experiments…

Ahhhh! An unconvincing prop!!!!

Ahhhh! Unconvincing ACTING!!!!

Seriously, look at the younger brother’s face. I cannot detect even a remote amount of fear in his face. Here is a list of emotions that his expression could actually be conveying: Exhaustion, Gassiness, Singing an awful version of “Paradise City” and of course, “World’s Most Sarcastic Blowjob!”

This isn’t suspicious at all…

Quickly, the brothers run outside and hop into a cab (perhaps one of phantomly origins). The undead driver warns them that if they don’t answer that damn riddle about the barrel, he’s going to crash the car and kill them in order to provide the evil Dr. Vink with the specimens he needs for his dark experiments.

Behold! My “wearing a leather jacket backwards” powers!

So they struggle to answer the question, as the Phantom Cab careens through the woods, which leads me to my first official rule of “Are You Afraid of the Dark:”

“ALMOST EVERY PROBLEM ON THE SHOW CAN BE BETTER SOLVED BY FLIPPING OUT AND PUNCHING EVERYTHING.”

In this case, rather than trying to figure out the riddle, I would break through the windows, or just start pummeling the driver with all my strength. I’d probably just rip his undead face clean off with my bare hands (dude is threatening to KILL me)! I am a survivor dammit, I will not play your little games! Sadly, the wimpy brother solves the riddle using all his not-good-at-acting pizazz. The answer is: a hole, a hole in the barrel weighs nothing, you can see it, and it makes the barrel lighter. I bet you feel pretty damn stupid right now.

The Midnight Society / Kids Incorporated: The New Class

The riddle solved, the Taxi disappears and all proof that Dr. Vink existed evaporates away. Leaving the boys to be immediately saved by a park ranger who picks them up and promises to take them home. The story is over and the new member, who is also wearing “Nickelodeon Tuffguy” apparel is welcomed into the midnight society with open arms. Yes indeed, everyone sure was impressed by this story that made almost no sense whatsoever and wasn’t really that scary, also it had a lot riding on a riddle about barrels, which is always a gambit in live storytelling. This was a pretty tame episode when all is said and done but I really can’t say that about the second episode… see you next time kiddees!

If you can look at this image and still believe in a benevolent God I will give you 100 dollars.

******

Jake Young is a Standup Comedian living in Brooklyn. He can be seen performing alongside The Geek Comedy Tour (geekcomedytour.com) and posts amusements at getbacktowork.tumblr.com. Also, he co-hosts the podcast “Nerd of Mouth” on cavecomedyradio.com.