Re: All The Goblins

Governor Andrew M. Cuomo
TOPIC:  The State Government’s Response to the Current Goblin Problem
January 2nd, 2012
TITLE: Regarding All The Goblins
Albany State University
Albany, New York
Complete Transcript

Governor Cuomo Took To The Podium at 4:33pm

To the gathered assemblymen, senators, councilmen, reporters and students, I wish you all a good afternoon and  I want to congratulate everyone at the University for the work you’ve been doing to maintain order and keep the public peace during this crisis. As you all know, a little over a year ago an amazing discovery was made deep in the Marcellus Shale formation during a routine natural gas extraction. What we found was a humble population of small humanoid beings, unconsciously floating in a blue viscous gel. If only we knew then what we know now. That these creatures, whom the Media has labeled as “Goblins” would escape their respective laboratories, museums, zoos, theme parks, circuses, and outlet malls to become one of the most pernicious invasive species the state of New York has ever known, with current feral populations now being tracked as far North as Utica and as far south as Coney Island.

Artist Rendering: Goblin Gel-Kins Foraging

There’s nobody here today that hasn’t been affected by this menace, if not personally then through a friend or a family member. The thousands upon thousands of missing pets, the millions of dollars worth of unattended livestock burned alive for no apparent reason. Many of you have had the burden of replacing costly copper wiring that’s been methodically ripped from your homes and buildings. We’re all familiar with that horrifying, bone-chilling practice of theirs; “The Night-Screams”. You can’t even drive down our beautiful public roadways without swerving to avoid puddle after puddle of caustic Birthing Gel that the Goblins CONTINUOUSLY EXCRETE. These are truly bizarre times for The Empire State, but together, we can rise above this challenge, if we are willing to unite as one people, to leave a better future for our children.

Artist Rendering: Gel Brood Soldier Matron, Armed With Makeshift Stabbing Utensil

The time for pointing fingers has past, what we need are practical solutions. Our elite team of scientists, gypsies, and very very very old men have provided us with essential precautionary steps we can take right now. Number one is PLACE ALL GARBAGE IN CAST IRON VESSELS. The Goblins have thrived on the fruits of our refuse, our old electronics and chicken carcases can sustain a single Gel Brood for weeks. To cut them off I implore you to use only cast iron, or as the Goblins call it “the stuff of chains” which their culture forbids them to touch. Secondly, most Human-Goblin interactions take place outside of the home, to avoid undue stress and confrontation, all New Yorkers must ALWAYS DANCE WHEN OUTDOORS. The rhythmic, swirling motion of a body dancing seems to either frighten or please passing goblin mobs, preventing them from approaching. Once inside a structure or vehicle, one can resume their daily lives. Lastly, if you are having a problem with an expanding Goblin population LEAVE TATTERED SHOES FILLED WITH CANDY ON YOUR DOORSTEP. Though we are unsure why, this simple offering appeases the Goblins and causes them to move on to another town. Use this only as a last resort.

Previous Examples of Goblin Iconography Have Proven Unhelpful and Inaccurate

Now, these are all stop-gap measures at best, but as your Governor, I swear to do my darndest to stop this menace once and for all. Where many see the downfall of the mankind, we see an amazing opportunity. In a way, the Goblins are a blessing in disguise, as the Federal Government has granted New York State with 2.6 billion dollars in anti-goblin funding. I beseech all unemployed New Yorkers to register with the Department of Environmental Protection as either iron smelters, dance instructors/enforcers, or as a member of our mobile shoe-candy compliance squads. We can beat this. I know we can. God bless New York, God bless America, and God bless us all… Oh, and one last thing, Central Park is lost, gonna have to torch it.

*****

Jake Young is a Standup Comedian living in Brooklyn. He can be seen performing alongside The Geek Comedy Tour (geekcomedytour.com) and posts amusements at getbacktowork.tumblr.com. Also, he co-hosts the podcast “Nerd of Mouth” on cavecomedyradio.com.