The 5 Creepers You’ll Meet At A Con
Pre-preface: This is meant to be a joke. It is wrong to judge people outright for a few minor annoying behaviors. Love! AND! Peace!
Preface: In my experience, conventions are a wonderful place where the often marginalized are free to be themselves, to engage with the things that interest them the most, and make friends with people across the country. However, there is a class of people that tend to ruin the atmosphere, that destroy all the beauty around us and brings reality crashing down on our pocky-and-fantasy fueled weekends. We affectionately refer to these wandering buzz kills as “Creepers” and it is my duty to provide you with a handy guide to the worst of the worst.
1. Captain Sneaky Flask.
Look out, we got a badass over here! Get a load of you, with your inability to wait until you’re back in your room or enjoy comic books while sober. I always thought that Conventions filled with families and minors could use more sweaty belligerent people and you bravely stood up and said “I got this!” Kudos on the flask as well, nobody will ever suspect you brought illegal alcohol in that container designed to hold illegal alcohol. Even the underage ravers know you’re supposed to put vodka in a Nalgene bottle, that way nobody will suspect a thing when the neon-colored pixie ninja is puking onto a Chaise Lounge at 4am.
2. Unprofessional Photographer.
When that industrious college student spent weeks making a replica Ms. Marvel costume, I bet she thought she’d be getting high fives and winning contests! However right now she’s cornered in a hotel lobby while a stranger in a bucket cap is taking photo after photo! “Do you work for a blog?” she’ll ask, hoping to hear a familiar name like G4 or IGN. “Why do you need that many low-angle shots? You’re breathing from your mouth pretty heavily, are you okay?” she’ll continue. “Why do you keep referring to your ‘collection?’” … Sorry girl, you just got fully and completely creeped. Next time anybody sees this happening, just follow that dude with a sign that says “I’m ruining fandom for everyone.”
3. Sad Merch Man.
The Dealer’s Room is a fantastic place to waste a paycheck. I love looking for rare import games or combing through art books, but there’s all this depressing stuff too. Once you see somebody walking around with their newly purchased Rei Ayanami wall scroll, tiny plastic erotic statue, and a triple-bladed dragon-hilt dagger, do them a kindness. Buy them a cup of coffee and inquire whether or not their money would be better spent on other things, like, you know, therapy.
4. Anybody in a Trenchcoat.
This isn’t the gorram Maginot line. You’re wearing a trenchcoat; you’re a creeper. I don’t even care if you’re cosplaying as the tenth Doctor, NO EXCEPTIONS.
5. Table Lamprey.
This one might not be so universal, but if you’ve ever manned an artist alley booth, you’ll already know who I’m talking about. For the past hour he’s been telling you about how his family, friends, and co-workers are out to get him. He is immune to all polite signals that you have lost interest in holding a conversation. He makes uncomfortable comments towards anyone else who’d dare to actually BUY something. Most importantly, he is fully aware that you cannot move from your seat until the room closes, thus making you the perfect audience to listen to the synopsis for his “9-11 Truth Opera.”
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Jake Young is a Standup Comedian living in Brooklyn. He can be seen performing alongside The Geek Comedy Tour (geekcomedytour.com) and posts amusements at getbacktowork.tumblr.com. Also, he co-hosts the podcast “Nerd of Mouth” on cavecomedyradio.com.
